The Future Freaks Me Out

Okay, I abandoned this blog a long time ago, but as I'm embarking a new chapter in my life, I figured I'd give it another go.

So. New Chapter. We'll call it chapter 28 and a half because, well, that's chronologically where I am right now. Chronologically, we'll talk about the other "ages" I am at some other time.

I've been given a lot of advice over the last few weeks. Most of it, I'm sure has been good advice. But I guess I'm a little too tied up in knots to really take heed or notice of it right now. Perhaps (and I can really only hope at this point) in a few months I will be able to take said advice.

Most of what I've been hearing from friends, family members and acquaintances goes along the lines of "Give it a chance," "It's a great opportunity," "You'll love it," "It's going to be good for you." And so forth and so on.

Now, I assume that since you are reading this (all what, 1 of you? It's irrelevant anyway) you know me and you know how this new chapter starts. But on the off chance that you somehow stumbled across my ramblings, here's the overview.

At the humble age of 28 and 131 days, a Midwest girl who still can't quite put into words what it is exactly that she wants out of life, packs up a U-Haul and the backseat of her 1999 silver Grand Prix and drives 5 hours to begin a PhD program at a large state school in a tiny unknown former mining town. (She also has a tendency to write run-on sentences, apologies English teachers/Grammar experts out there) For the first time ever she must establish a life in a city that is not her hometown, in a brand new state where she knows not one living soul.

And so it begins.

I'll move into my overpriced 2-bedroom converted into 4-bedrooms apartment tomorrow afternoon. Said apartment is, at this moment, the one silver lining. It will be nice to have the space, even if I'm still not convinced that it will ever feel like home.

For now, I'm holding it together. I don't know if that will be true 24 hours from now, time will only tell, obviously.

But here's the thing. This is not about my moving strategy and plans or how irritating it is to no long have my own washer and dryer. No, this is a different tale altogether.

This is the story of a girl who made a decision that she's now not sure was the right one. This is the story of a girl that is not yet written, that has no direction at the moment, one can only hope it will all unfold nicely with some pleasant surprises along the way. I guess you'll find out as I do, assuming I remember to keep this updated.

So that's that. This is what you get. My adventures on the road to a PhD (or maybe not, who knows?).

For now, these are the things I need to get out of me.

I don't make friends very easily, I'm awkward and anxious in social situations. I'm nervous about finding a place to fit here, I was never fully successful at finding a place to fit in in the place that I knew, my home, my comfort zone, so being outside of that raises the anxiety level considerably.

Add to that the fact that this move comes at the tail end of a summer filled with events and people that ultimately became my friends and ultimately gave me that place to fit in, maybe not perfectly, but well enough. Not only am I struggling with being out of my home comfort zone, I'm now dealing with yet another round of distance from friends.

I always thought that when it was MY time to move away it wouldn't be so hard or so sad, but as it turns out, it's just as painful to leave my friends as it was to have my friends leave me. And now there's the added element of this social networking world we live in whereby I can keep up with all of the happenings that I'm missing out on back home through Twitter and Facebook. And I'll admit, it's hard to think about all of the things I'm missing, from nights out on the town to nights in at someone's house playing Rock Band. That left out feeling I always have in general is multiplied by the distance and the knowledge that I made this choice.

On the other hand my mind drifts off to the fact that even if I had stayed at home, it would be inevitable that in another year or so I would face another round of being left behind as everyone goes off to follow their own dreams.

So I lose either way.

But, really I know that's a self-defeatist way of thinking and it's sure to make me miserable. But it's all I've been able to think about for the last month, it's made me sad and very unpleasant to be around.

My hope and my goal, however, is to figure out a way to turn that train of thought around and allow myself to see the possibilities this place holds. I'm still not sure I made the right decision, but at the very least I have to give this the year to try and sort that out. I suppose I'll revisit the wisdom of this quest in about 10 months.

I've got a lot of thinking to do, I've got a lot to figure out. I guess I'm finally accepting the fact that I need to let myself grow up. I need to be okay with being an adult and I need to accept the responsibility for figuring out what kind of adult I'm going to be.

So this is a long post, I don't know that I'll post this long again, it's kind of an exercise in vanity, but I think I can live with that.

This is a beginning. And we'll find out to what I guess as we go along.

I can live with that. For now.